« January 2006 | Main | March 2006 »

February 23, 2006

It makes perfect sense to me that the day I’ve been waiting for since early 2003 finally arrives and I’ve got nothing to say about it. I’m divorced. I thought it would be anticlimatic since I’ve been separated for long enough to be able to pluralize the word ‘year’ but it feels wonderful. No more courtrooms and holding my breath. It’s finished.

There’s been no sadness or grief and I’m glad because there was enough throughout the course of that relationship. The only time I wanted to cry was when I was thanking my lawyer, who went above and beyond her pro bono duty to help me any way she could. I had no idea it could feel this good to end something. I might have ingested something illegal for all of this excitement. That particular misery was eating me up in ways it’ll take years to describe.

I’m giddy.

February 16, 2006

Little man,

I stayed up until 12:15 this morning just so I could have that moment when I could remember what it was like to give that final push and hear your soft, reluctant cries for the first time. Part of me wanted to wake you but that would have been selfish.

You give me such a hard time but you come by your endless emotional shifts honestly. I’m proud of them, really, since there are so few people I know who feel as deeply and truly as you do. Your all ready convinced of the truth you experience and you’ll fight so persistently (and silently) not to have your mind changed. I hate it when I know I’m right and three days later you’ll come to it on your own without acknowledging that I introduced the idea in the first place. I love that you’ll be the first person in line to share or embrace because that’s all you. You can be so calm when tensions are high and then, unexpectedly, you’ll become completely unhinged because the white noise from the television has opened the door to some back room of terror that exists only in your brain and I have to make it stop because it’s got you convinced that the world is going to die a torturous death otherwise. Amazing.

You’ve stopped looking like Pooh just to spite me. I forgive you. You’re eight. I know you couldn’t have shirts that refused to stay put over your stomach forever. Besides, I’ve scattered old pictures of you all around the state just so I can refer back when I need to. For example, see here.

You have the best smile in the whole world and, charmer that you are, you know it. That ability of yours to wrap your arms around people with complete abandon, eyes pressed shut as though they are the most wonderful person that ever inhaled oxygen and nuzzle into their neck, may not work forever but I’ll confess even when I won’t let on, it still works on me every time. Somehow you turned me into a human being desperate for another person’s presence. I’m not sure when it happened. The biggest fear I have is trying to live in a world without you in it making me want to pull out the small bit of hair I have.

You keep doing your thing and I’ll keep trying not to hover nearby. Deal?

February 13, 2006

But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself/
If you don’t give me heaven I’ll raise hell/
‘Til it’s heaven
— Jay-Z, “Justify My Thug”, The Black Album

The reason why I don’t ask for things that I know I’m entitled to is just so I can look certain people in their face and occasionally remind them of their irrelevance to my position. Requests can be used against me, turned into weaknesses that I didn’t know I had and when I can’t get someone out of my life the last thing I desire is to give them more fodder for their own overinflated sense of righteousness.

Child support would be nice. Being able to stand up for myself is better.

I cannot respect someone who cannot muster enough self-restraint to keep to their own agreements. Written. Spoken. With witnesses and without. It doesn’t matter why. I’m sick of wondering about people’s emotions who have never considered me and what’s more are incapable of acknowledging anyone as a feeling human being except themselves. That must be one incredibly hypnotic reflection since it’s that hard to pull your eyes away long enough to realize you aren’t alone in the world.

I’ve been up one too many nights frustrated and crying because there’s nothing I can do about being ignored even though I’m the person doing all the parenting day to day. So when it came down to it I didn’t even have to reach in to pull out the right note of anger, it wasn’t there to be found. Instead, what I had was truth. I discovered that the only opinion about my choices I’m invested in is my own. Those ties that bound disintegrated from neglect. How ‘bout that?

I don’t need anyone’s permission to insure my comfort and safety. If that rubs the wrong way that’s immaterial, too.

February 05, 2006

“I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.”
— Eartha Kitt

February 04, 2006

ddport10.jpg

Tuberose, usually waxy and pungent, is a love/hate note for me when it comes to perfume. Done well, it’s fleshy and warm. Done poorly, it’s clingy and saccharine; the stereotype of ladies who lunch (and behave) feminity. The scents I love that include tuberose (usually Gardenia since the two flowers share similarities) use it subtly, drawing out other florals and emphasizing their beauty with tuberose as an accent. Until recently.

Frédéric Malle’s Carnal Flower, created by Dominique Ropion has changed my mind. There’s no getting away from the tuberose in this scent. It pushes at you, dares you to turn away from it and reminds you that underneath the delicate petals of its bloom, it has a sinewy quality that reinforces life in a way you can’t ignore. Reportedly, this perfume contains the highest concentration of the flower on the market today.

The first blast once dabbed on is a heady menthol; cool, sharp and almost medicinal. Then the tuberose slides in and you feel the heat of it before the smell even hits your nose. I’m here, it announces and wraps itself around you. As it starts to drydown, the smell shifts again and suddenly there’s a faint trace of melon that wasn’t noticible before. A watery honeydew maybe. Barely perceptible beside the even lighter coconut note. It gives it a tender, sweet touch. It’s dense, and opulent without being overwhelming. Beautiful. Unapologetically sexy; never fragile.

The first time I ever saw a woman I wanted to be desperately it was Dorothy Dandridge playing Carmen in her now famous film Carmen Jones. There she was, fire and ice, passion and steely gaze, willing to say anything she thought and unwilling to compromise — unless she was protecting her freedom. The way she’d tilt her chin and focus those eyes on you for the longest moment. I sat breathless in awe of her and wanted to become her all at once.

When I wear this scent, I think of Carmen and Dorothy herself. Ready to be bloodied for being who she was, but she’d take you with her. In her good time.

February 03, 2006

If you’re reading this through livejournal, please don’t comment through the rss feed, I won’t see it. Click-through to the blog and comment here. Also, since I have an OpenID server you can log in with your livejournal account, so you don’t need a Movable Type/ TypeKey account to comment here. Simply enter your livejournal address where it asks for a blog URL minus the http.

Example: pomegranatekiss.livejournal.com

If you haven’t added the wunderkammen feed at livejournal yet, you can do that here.

Thanks.